Portillo (The Wiener Dog)

Few things are more cute than Portillo the wiener dog. His tiny, sausage-like body, wide eyes, and seeming lack of awareness of anything that's more than 2 inches in front of him is utterly adorable, and endlessly hug-worthy. He's one of the best things in existence to be named Portillo, second only to Portillo's Italian beef sandwichTM.

However, Portillo hides a deep, dark secret. While on the outside, he appears to be your average, everyday dachshund, the truth is that he's not a dachshund at all: he's actually Greg's homunculus, created by his master during the early 2010s to take his place should he ever die, and disguised to look and act like a pet in order to remain hidden from rival alchemists. It's for this reason that Greg eventually convinced the rest of the Kinda Funny crew to move out of the spare bedroom: he feared that if Colin, Tim, and the rest of the crew started paying too much attention to the homunculus, they would begin to notice its odd love of Oreos (even though chocolate is poisonous to dogs), and its tendency to walk around with no shirt on (even though most dogs in San Francisco wore at least two layers of clothing at the time, after a startup company popularized the trend back in 2013).

Cool Greg is currently the only person that knows of Portillo's true nature, having become aware it after accidentally walking in on Greg and Portillo playing Patapon 3 together. But Cool Greg knows more than anyone else that snitches get stitches, and is unlikely to leak this information anytime soon.